In general, you’re looking for guys that already exhibit behaviors that correspond with the 3 rules and show respect for the 3 elements. The more they’re in synch with those, the less friction you’ll have in the group. (If you need a refresher, go back and check out The 3 rules and The 3 elements.)

Start with an obvious pool of guys…acquaintances.  Then, start applying these filters to each of them. For each guy, you should be able to answer yes for each of these questions:

• Have they made a positive impression on you? As the saying goes, you’re the average of the five people you’re closest to, so pick wisely. If you feel a sense of respect for someone, even if you don’t know why, that’s good enough.
• Do they live close? You want to remove travel time as reasons they’ll miss out. The best-case scenario is you’re all from the same neighborhood or even street.
• Can they make the time? We’ll help you pick your time, but they obviously need to be available. If they hem and haw when you bring up the group, don’t bother.
• Do you have a personal relationship? You don’t need to have had deep, mushy conversations already, but you shouldn’t be stuck on the news and weather, either. Does he have kids? Does he surf? Do you know anything? (It’s fine if they originate from your professional network, but there should be a personal relationship. Firepit is not a networking tool!)
• Do they exhibit a degree of humility when they talk? And do they listen? A know-it-all or super-talker will prevent good group chemistry.

Next, ask yourself these questions. For each guy, you should be able to answer yes to at least two, preferably three of these questions:

• Does he speak respectfully about, or appear committed to, the idea of family? (It’s OK to be critical sometimes, that’s life.)
• Does he have a sense of humor?
• Does he aspire to anything? For example, to be more successful in business, to be a better golfer, or to learn guitar.
• Will he get his hands dirty?

If your answer to these questions is, “I don’t know,” then you’ve got to spend some more time with him. Once you know him well enough to answer these questions, then your invitation will feel like it’s coming from a friend…not someone wanting to sell something.

Age and stage of life

It’s best if the guys are within 10 years of each other simply so they can relate. Everyone should feel they’re sitting with contemporaries; you don’t want anyone being called “kid” or “grandpa.” Guys far older than the average will feel the burden of being the mentor while younger guys will feel like the group’s pet project. Both are flattered at first, but quickly get tired of being labeled. You want the diversity and flavor of your group to come from the varied experiences and perspectives, not age. This allows everyone to take turns being “the encouraged” and “the encourager.” Balance is key.

Now…about the God thing

You may have noticed that none of those filters or recommendations has to do with spirituality or morality. That’s on purpose. Yes, they have to believe there is a God, but they don’t have to be “religious types.” In fact, being overly religious can be a detriment. It usually accompanies a lack of honesty and self-reflection, preventing the connection you’re hoping to create.

So don’t worry about:

• Whether they go to church or have warm-and-fuzzy beliefs about God. (There’s a large population of people who are open to conversations about God when they happen “the right way,” but have shut the door on church.)
• Whether parts of their lives are a mess…don’t exclude based on divorce, weird spouse stories, unemployment, alcoholism, or anything else that is, let’s face it, normal for a lot of guys.

However, they do have to believe there is a God, it’s the God of the bible, and somehow, he matters. It needs to make sense for them that conversations about life should include conversations about God (on the off chance that there is one).

A final note

We learned all this by choosing (and losing) guys. There are probably other considerations you want to consider but these will get you a good group to start with and help prevent obvious misalignment. However, remember the overarching purpose of the group is relationship. You should like these guys…they will be some of your closest friends. Enjoy the process of getting to know them and have some fun. And trust your gut. Your instincts are there for a reason.