Connection

When connection is strong, guys will ask for advice…often ending stories with, “is any of this making sense?” or, “am I missing something here?” Asking for advice shows trust, the product of connection. To promote this, ask for advice yourself. After a while, they’ll mirror you (just don’t overdo it).

Also, keep the transitions in conversations slow as guys tell personal stories. If someone starts blabbing immediately after another guy shares something personal, it signals they’re just waiting to talk…not listening – and that can make your group feel like a status meeting. If this becomes a problem, do this: when a guy finishes a story, before anyone goes a different direction, say, “wait, I have a question first” and ask your question. It can be as simple as, “how’s your wife taking all this?” Everyone in the group will understand they all matter.

Self-reflection

Encourage guys to speak about themselves, not give commentary about “the world” or “other people.” This is helpful because we experience similar things (making our comments relevant) but we provide different perspectives (making our comments valuable).

Politics, religion, and “men’s role in society” are all examples of topical conversations where guys can get passionate, but remain impersonal. It’s like eating marshmallows…fine to enjoy sometimes, but no ones actually going to benefit from it.

Honesty

Don’t ask for honesty; instead, assume it’ll come…and make room for it.

Consider this for a moment: being honest brings a relief that you can literally feel in your chest. And firepit is probably the only place some guys will get that chance. So if someone is talking but struggling, don’t misinterpret it as withholding or dishonesty. Assume they want to be open. What you’re actually seeing is this: a guy will often test the waters, seeing whether the group is going to judge him and reveal part of the story one week and more of the story three weeks later. He’s working up his confidence, concerned about retaining his standing in the group, and verifying the group is a safe place all at the same time. So give him some room. He’ll share what he wants when he’s ready. If he didn’t want to open up, he wouldn’t want to be part of firepit in the first place.

A word of caution

With all of these, passively monitor and react only when you feel you need to. Don’t police the conversations too much or the group will feel like group counseling. Have fun and let conversation roll naturally. But at the same time, stay aware of these elements and protect or encourage them when you need to.