Most people think the biggest challenge to running a group is finding content the guys will like. But that’s actually the smaller challenge. The bigger challenge is this: managing the discussion so everyone experiences the right mix of opening up and learning from others.

Managing the discussion is your primary job. And you’ll be great at it when you use these techniques:

Silence

This is an incredibly powerful conversation starter. Here’s how it works. Ask a question, then stop talking. Look at the fire. If nobody answers, glance up at a couple of them, and then look back at the fire. Don’t make facial expressions and don’t re-ask the question. Just wait.

Right about the time you’re thinking there’s been way too much silence; one of the guys will speak up. These periods of silence will get shorter and shorter and, before you know it, you’ll have a conversation on your hands.

There’s interesting science behind all this, but for now just know that, by being silent, you’re resetting the expectation the guys have about the group. Once they understand what’s expected of them, they’ll listen and engage more easily.

Going first

Chances are high that the guys have never been in a group like this. So there might be some unspoken questions on their minds: how am I supposed to answer, how personal do I get, and how is everyone going to react when I really say what’s on my mind?

You’ll answer these questions by being the brave one who goes first. Speak with vulnerability and brevity. Start slow at first, then get a little deeper. You’ll effectively be telling them, “Say what you want…be straightforward. You won’t be judged here.”

You’ll also use this technique when you want to show the guys the depth or direction you want to go with a particular question. Questions can be answered a dozen different ways but when you give a your answer, the conversation takes focus.

For the most part, you’ll use this technique more when you’re starting a new group (or starting an old group on this new format). Alternate between going first and using silence to help them understand how the conversation should flow.

The follow up question

Sometimes the best questions are the follow up questions. Just listen to the guys talk and ask the next logical question. “How many stiches did you get?” “Are you going to go out with her again?” “What happened to the other guy?” When it’s time to bring the conversation back to the discussion guide, just say, “OK, let’s keep going.” Once you’ve established that follow up questions are normal, the guides will become what they’re meant to be…guides, not scripts.

In summary

When the conversations are running they way they’re supposed to run, an outsider would not be able to distinguish the leader. You’ll look like a bunch of guys having interesting conversation that appears to be headed somewhere. You’ll just be the one with the map.

And remember, you’re on the journey too. Don’t try and be “the one in charge,” dive into the conversation along with everyone else.