Kids are listening
Leaders Prep Section
Watch this video, read these notes, and send the pre-written email (below) to your group 2-3 days before you meet.
Notes
Kids are at the center of all family conflict simply because they are the most vulnerable. They have no control over what’s happening. However, divorce is a statistical reality. So it’s important to learn as much as possible about how and when kids are affected in a troubled home and understand how to handle it for their sake.
Group Guide Starts Here
Introduction
If we looked at all the social science data and interviewed a gazillion people, we will come to a conclusion that is already intuitive to any parent: kids are sponges. They are watching and listening when we don’t think they are, they feel the vibe at home, and they’re making decisions – conscious and subconscious – about what their life will become. If that’s not enough pressure, when they are older and have their own children, they will revisit all of your successes and failures in their minds, again. Like it or not, kids are a life sentence.
What’s a time that your kids heard or saw an issue between you and their mom that, you could tell, affected them? Did you talk to your kid about it afterwards?
What do you think your kids say about your relationship to their friends? (Or, if you have toddlers, do you think they have any insecurity about your relationship?)
The data is clear…kids from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced themselves. However, even if they didn’t come from divorced homes, high percentage risks are everywhere:
• If a close friend divorces, you’re 147% more likely to divorce.
• If a married person works with someone who is divorced, they are 75% more likely to divorce.
• Couples who meet in bars are 24% more likely to divorce.
• If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by only 14%.
Given the rise in social interaction between your kids and people outside of your family, how big of an impact does your relationship really have on your kids?
Good parenting is obviously not strictly limited to having a good relationship with their mom.
Have you tried anything proactive strictly for the sake of reinforcing love and family structure for the kids? For example, traditions or routines that focuses on just them? Does this make a difference in the kids life and make up for, at least in part, any flaws in your relationship with their mom?
Note for the leader: Here is an optional exercise you can do.
If one of the guys has gone (or is going) through a divorce, ask him if he would talk about what the kids said and did throughout the process. Also, ask if he would be willing to take questions from the group.
• Important: Ask the person ahead of time if he is willing.
• Choose someone you believe can talk about it without being emotional.
• Keep his story high level. Give him a time limit for the story (10 mins max).
• Preface the exercise by thanking the guy for opening up about his kids. Also, tell the guys that no one should ask hypothetical questions like, “what if you’d done this or that;” the past can’t be changed. All questions should focus on what actually happened; the purpose is to gain insight and this guy is being generous.
• Be the first to ask a question when his story is done. Ask a question that dives deeper into the story he told. For example: Did your son stick with sports after your divorce?
• End by thanking him and complimenting him on his effort and love for his kids. Say whatever you need to say to make sure he leaves feeling support from the group. He shared something insightful that is a big help to everyone else.